Cable Channels We'd Love To See
1. FLC-Felon Learning Channel. Special guest criminals give step by step instructions on committing felonies like auto theft, bank robbery, home invasion, even murder.
2. ACN-Anarchist Cooking Network. You'll learn how to cook alright, nice stuff like booze, drugs, explosives, poison gas, and diseases in the privacy of your own home.
3. SET-Sociopath Entertainament TV. All you psychos can now jackoff to autopsy photos, kiddie porn, rape videos, snuff films, live animal torture, kopkillings on tape, necrophilla on tape, vivisection on tape, even cannibalism and human sacrifice (on tape of course).
4. DHC-Dictator History Channel. Learn about the lives of great men in histoy like Caligua, Nero, Ivan the Terrible, Stalin, Hitler, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Papa Doc, Pinocet, Saddam Hussein, Milosilviec, and many more.
5. SML-Serial Murder Land. Learn about more great people in history like Gille de Rais, Bathory, Vlad the Impaler, Green River Killer, Dahmer, Bundy, Boston Strangler, Charles Manson, Henry Lee Lucas, and more.
6. TCC-21st Century Coluseum. Watch real live human beings fight to the death. Bullfights, pitbull fights, cockfights are featured as well (to the death of course).
7. GKC-Gun and Knife Club. Learn how to make your own deadly blades, swords, battle axes, handguns, rifles, machine guns, rocket launchers, mortars, even missiles in the privacy of your own home.
8. WCN-Whitecollar Crime Network. Get a well-rounded education in manipulating stocks, embellzement, computer crime, securities fraud, tax evasion, and even manipulating economies of entire third world nations.
Murphy's Laws of Drinking
1. Never drink with anyone crazier or better armed than you are.
2. Always drink in public with a buddy, it gives the cops someone else to harass.
3. Don't drink conspiciously- outside it draws cops, inside it draws assholes.
4. They're only two types of beer- too weak and too expensive.
5. Beer is the solution and cause of all man's problems.
6. By the time you find the keg party, all the beer will be gone. Therefore, always carry backup beer!
7. All the half-full beers the morning after the party will have cigarette butts in them.
8. The only king Budweisser is, is the king of piss.
9. The only three places drunks blacked out wake up are jail, the hospital, or in bed with someone ugly.
10. If you just brought your first 40 oz. for the day, you will drop it.
11. You can always find 100 people on 10 kegs but you will NEVER find 10 people on 100 kegs.
12. It doesn't take a beer to have courage but it helps.
13. Only alcoholics goto meeting, not drunks. There's a difference!
14. If you drink enough high gravity malt liquor, you can't even fall off the floor.
15. If you drink enough MD 20/20, you will see 20/180.
16. The amount of time one has to get to the liquor store will inversely proportionate to the distance one must go to get there.
17. The only time every guy/ girl at a kegger is cute you are wasted.
18. The only time every cute guy/ girl at a kegger has a twin is when you are REALLY wasted.
19. When drinking in public as soon as you get a buzz, the cops will show up.
20. Whoever thought of non-alcoholic beer was too fucking drunk.
21. When you are too poor to go to the bar, it will always be Sunday.
The Dr. Doom Rap
Busting out the bitching nihilist mix, representing the magic number six, six, six.
Yeah muthafucka I got the will, I got the skill. Ready to cut the bullshit and go out and kill!
Knocking out 40's of steel reserve in the park.
Blowing chucks of bile while sporting the devil's mark.
If you wanna talk shit, you wanna fucking diss.
Take you to the river and forcefeed you you a bucket of piss.
Saw you trying to get that fix, shooting with rigs.
Me-I'll rather be gettin' drunk and shooting pigs.
That's what you get for fucking with that junk.
Now you shit in a bag, like some sorryass gutterpunk.
I see you sweating bullets shakin' and shitting a log.
Lets step outside and see who's god and who's the dog.
Cold calculated planning your homicide listening to Bach.
Put the lasersight in yo' face, pull da trigger and say gutennacht.
Yeah muthafucka- that's my name MC Doctor Doom.
I step in the hood and something goes boom.
All you bitches better turn tail and run like wussies.
Cuz I got a can of whoop ass that'll whip you better good pussy.
Cuz now you're in my world, feel your blood pressure surge.
Cuz in the end I'll leave more dead bodies than Stalin's purge.
Cuz now you're in my world, in the hot seat, feel the heat.
Fucking with you're head so much, you couldn't find a dumpster to eat.
Saw your homeboyz on the corner selling their ass, making bank.
Cuz their addicted and tweaking braincells on stupid crank.
All butthurt no girl will give 'em love cuz their ass is rank.
But look on the bright side, at least they got sugar in their tank.
Bet you think you're so badass. What you been smokin', are you loco?
But you think you're the big jefe, but you're just a pussy pedejo.
Still with that ho' you think's loyal, but she deserves an oscar for best actress.
Cuz the whole hood knows she's really just a shanky squat matress.
It' time to put you on a oneway frieght train trip to hell.
It's battery time for the garbage and I ain't talkin' about Duracell.
Gonna grab my chainsaw and put you in a hefty bag in a hundred choppings.
Guess who gonna find your mutilated corpse, an old homebum dumpster diving.
DISCLAIMER- If you take any of this seriously you are one bigass dummkopff!!